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Memo from HR department to all personnel - WARNING: Contents are 100% humor

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Submitted by Shally Steckerl on Thu, 02/26/2009 - 5:27pm

A dear friend from Venezuela sent me this memo (its a joke of course) and it was so funny I decided I just had to translate it from Spanish and post it here. My appologies to the author - since this is one of those chain emails I have no idea who you are as your details were not included. If anyone knows the origin I would love to append that to the post. Meanwhile here is some comic relief for you during these troubled times:

 

TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: HUMAN RESOURCES
SUBJECT: HR POLICY

From this day forward, without exception, the following Human Resources policies will be in effect.

DRESS CODE

We suggest you dress according to your pay grade. If we see you in designer shoes, or with a designer handbag, we will assume you are financially well off, therefore you do not require a raise. If you dress below your means, then we will assume you need to learn how to manage your money better in order to afford a more appropriate quality of clothing, thus due to your poor financial management you are not in need of a raise. If you dress right down the middle then you are just where you need to be so you do not need a pay increase.

SICK LEAVE

From now on doctor’s notices will not be acceptable proof that you were out sick. If you can go to the doctor’s office then you can come to work.  

SURGERY

All surgery is prohibited. While you work here, you need all your organs. We hired you intact, and that is how we intend to keep you. If you remove something that constitutes a violation of our labor agreement, and if you add a prosthesis, implant, or any other part, they will be considered company assets and upon termination of your employment shall be returned to us.

PERSONAL LEAVE

All employees receive 104 personal days throughout the year. These are called Saturday and Sunday. VACATIONAll employees shall take their vacation time during the same days each year. You are allowed 11 vacation days to be taken as follows: Jan. 1, Jan. 19, Feb. 16, May 25, July 4, Sep. 7, Oct. 12, Nov. 11, Nov. 26, Dec. 25, and Dec. 31.

BERIEVEMENT LEAVE

Grief is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for your friends, family, or colleagues who have deceased. In special cases, if your presence at a funeral is absolutely required, you may plan to attend a funeral after work hours if you make arrangements to skip your lunch break so that you may leave an hour early so long as you have completed your work duties for the day.

ABENTEEISM DUE TO YOUR DEATH

This is an acceptable excuse for missing work. However, you are required to provide two weeks’ notice as it is your responsibility to train your replacement.

BATHROOM BREAKS

Too much time is being wasted in the restroom. Moving forward we will utilize a practical alphabetical order for attending to your biological duties. For example, employee’s who’s last name begins with the letter A may go at 8am, those with the letter B at 8:30am and henceforth. If you are unable to go at your appointed time please hold it until the following day. Alternately, if requested from your supervisor in writing, you may trade places with a colleague.In addition there will be a limit of three minutes per visit to the toilet. At the end of those three minutes the toilet paper will disappear into the dispenser, the stall door will open, and your photo will be taken. After two violations your photo will be exhibited in the company billboard under the category “Chronic Transgressors.”

LUNCH BREAKS

Underweight people will have 30 minutes for lunch since they need to eat a bit more to get healthy. People of average size will have 15 minutes for lunch so they can have a balanced meal and thus maintain their figure. Overweight people will be allowed only 5 minutes as that is how long it takes to swallow a diet pill with your slim fast.

Thank you for your dedication to The Company. We are here to provide you a sustaining and positive employment experience. Should you have any questions, comments or concerns, or if you wish to voice your complaints or frustrations, please direct them elsewhere.

Sincerely,
Human Resources Management

Comments

Shally's HR Policy Blog

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 02/27/2009 - 11:36am.

Distributed to all staff using my PEO's type-face and layout.

Given the stalled decision making process at many clients,
one requested the renegotiation of the implant issue.

I think I first saw this in the Army Reserve some thirty years
ago but the timing is perfect!

Humor is at its best when

Submitted by Glenn Gutmacher on Fri, 02/27/2009 - 9:05am.

Humor is at its best when it recognizably exaggerates reality.  Each of these is indeed close to reality at some companies, though fortunately (as Rob commented) no single organization has *all* of these implemented... yet.  (You wonder what might happen if the economy doesn't rebound soon, though. ;-)

Glenn Gutmacher
VP JobMachine, ACES
www.jobmachine.net 

glenn@jobmachine.net

HR Policy

Submitted by Rob (not verified) on Fri, 02/27/2009 - 8:48am.

minus the dress code, this sounds a lot like when I was in the army!